My Year Ends

I know when I look at my son that he is a perfect measure of what can be accomplished in 365 days, but I still remember what it felt like to wait for him. Because of that, I am sometimes stunned that he is truly here. In my mind Filmore is still waiting in Rowan's crib. Puff is still waiting on the wall. We are still waiting and anxious to see his beautiful face for the first time. It is the strangest thing, but a year of knowing him has not erased the feeling of longing for him. I am not sure that I am even explaining how I feel properly. In fact, I know I am not. I often find myself at a loss for the proper words where my son is concerned. I guess stating that he brings me the most unreal joy should suffice.

Because today is my last day off work, we made today "Wubby Day" and tried to imagine what Rowan would tell us he wanted to do with his day if he could talk. We decided that fish and birds would definitely be involved. We also thought a long walk to Westboro with the dogs would be nice before the rain came. We got the walk in, but we didn't make it to see the fish or birds. Instead, we spent the afternoon with gramma, grampa, Aunt Hanan, Uncle Dave, the kids and Anti-Pauline. I think this was probably just as entertaining as our original plans. It was a good day but it hasn't helped the fact that I am heartbroken that my days are about to be reduced to 3 hours of time with him. I have said it before but parenting is cruel. I know that he won't notice the difference in his days because time really doesn't mean anything to him at this point. He is incredibly well adjusted. He is the happiest child I have ever met (I say that unbiasedly) and he loves to play which he will get to do all day long at Day Care. The fact that he won't see his mommy or daddy for an 8 hour stretch each day really won't have an impact on him. I know this is what I should want for my child. But, as a mommy with a heart, it is hard to accept that I am not necessarily needed as much as I was.

I know it only gets worse with time too. I know that I am going to close my eyes one day and open them to a young man who is excited about the University acceptance letter he received in the mail and he'll be planning his life away from us. As a good mom and dad, we'll cheer him on. We'll hide the fact that the psychotic part of us wants to lock him up and keep him for ourselves. That's what good parents do after all.

Ha! Isn't it strange to think that to be a good parent you have to hide how much you really love and need your children? Somehow you are supposed to find the right balance between showing them enough love so that they know they are important in this world and not showing them too much because you run the risk of weighing them down with guilt.

B3T2

We saw the baby today. His or her heart beat was a strong 160 beats/minute which made this pregnancy all the more real. Unfortunately though, the little bean was measuring small (about 2cm) which means that my original Due Date was likely wrong. I am only about 9 weeks pregnant instead of 10 which, if I hadn't gained 7lbs already, really wouldn't be a big deal. I am not comfortable in my normal pants anymore and I was quite relieved to get a whole stash of stretchy pants and big tops from my sister, Ana and Nicole this past weekend. I am breathing a tiny bit easier than I was when I was still trying to deny that my tummy was starting to expand. I look cute enough but more importantly, B3T2 is growing and healthy so far.

His First Day At Day Care

I was both happy and sad that I was the only one crying when I left Rowan at the Baby Bumble Bee Day Care today. It was his first half day without me. He seemed happy to see the kids and when I picked him up at noon, he smiled when he saw me and continued to play. I think he would have been perfectly happy to just stay put all day long. Yes, I know this is a good thing. But a little part of me wishes he had missed me as much as I missed him.

As heartbroken as I am, I am grateful to have had a whole year off work to spend with Rowan. It has been the most incredible experience. I do feel like I haven't accomplished as much as I had hoped to, but when I see the shine in his eyes, hear his giggle, or watch him discover something new with enthusiasm, I know that we have done an amazing job at ensuring that he received enough love and security to make his first year of life the best it could have been. And really, that is all that matters.

And so, starting next Monday, Rowan will be at the Day Care full time and I will return to being Jennifer-the-full-time-professional instead of Jennifer-the-full-time-mommy. Part of me is excited about getting a little bit of myself back. However, the biggest part of me will be secretly counting the days until I have Rowan all to myself again.

~ 211 days~

Worth Noting

Last night was the first time in about 5 months that Rowan slept through the night. And what happens? I can't sleep!

I have my toes and fingers crossed that this is the start of something really good for him. We've been working very hard at getting him ready for the transition to day care which means slowly weaning him and letting him cry more than we would at bed time or when he wakes up during the night. He is changing so rapidly and the travel we have put him through since he was born has made sleeping harder for him than it should have been. He is an amazing child. He is (we are) blessed with an innate ability to adapt and roll-with-the-punches. He is a perpetually happy little boy who, occasionally now, will throw a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way (that too is innate and he gets that from BOTH John and I.). We have taken total advantage of his easy demeanor and it is our own fault that he has a hard time making it through the night without eating. I know that. Which is why I was never angered or upset by having to be up with him every night for almost a whole year. Truth be told, I will miss our late night feedings but the idea of still getting up with him after his first birth has been stressing me out. I feel like I have been holding him back in the baby stage by not training him to sleep properly. He deserves to be a "big boy". And well, as usual, he has proven himself to be a wonderful learner. It really has only taken 2 or 3 nights of a few tears to get through the night without eating. Maybe I am counting my chickens before they hatch? Ah, probably not. My son never disappoints! He is perfect after all.

Here is a picture of my perfect son hamming it up. I showed him how to play with the bowl once and now he yells into just about anything to see what kind of a reaction he can get out of us. He also LOVES to play peak-a-boo or as we call it (thanks to Addison) "hiding!!".

Joe and Suzanne Tie The Knot

I promised a few photos of the wedding and so here they are. I know there are going to be many many others to come because Bhupendra took a lot of amazing shots on the big day (which was August 6th, 2009. Now all of us married in the group have done so in order. August 3rd- Us, August 4th- G and C, August 5th- L and C, and August 6th- J and S.). I suppose I will have to make an album just of the wedding day because I think Rowan made a lot of appearances in Bhupendra's shots. Doesn't John look great in a skirt?

I'll have to get a photo of Suzanne because there weren't any on our camera! Shoot.

Don't You Think We Make the Perfect Pair?

My true love:

What?

How on earth can I have gained 6lbs already? I am seriously annoyed with myself and the 3 sandwiches I ate yesterday.