My Year Ends

I know when I look at my son that he is a perfect measure of what can be accomplished in 365 days, but I still remember what it felt like to wait for him. Because of that, I am sometimes stunned that he is truly here. In my mind Filmore is still waiting in Rowan's crib. Puff is still waiting on the wall. We are still waiting and anxious to see his beautiful face for the first time. It is the strangest thing, but a year of knowing him has not erased the feeling of longing for him. I am not sure that I am even explaining how I feel properly. In fact, I know I am not. I often find myself at a loss for the proper words where my son is concerned. I guess stating that he brings me the most unreal joy should suffice.

Because today is my last day off work, we made today "Wubby Day" and tried to imagine what Rowan would tell us he wanted to do with his day if he could talk. We decided that fish and birds would definitely be involved. We also thought a long walk to Westboro with the dogs would be nice before the rain came. We got the walk in, but we didn't make it to see the fish or birds. Instead, we spent the afternoon with gramma, grampa, Aunt Hanan, Uncle Dave, the kids and Anti-Pauline. I think this was probably just as entertaining as our original plans. It was a good day but it hasn't helped the fact that I am heartbroken that my days are about to be reduced to 3 hours of time with him. I have said it before but parenting is cruel. I know that he won't notice the difference in his days because time really doesn't mean anything to him at this point. He is incredibly well adjusted. He is the happiest child I have ever met (I say that unbiasedly) and he loves to play which he will get to do all day long at Day Care. The fact that he won't see his mommy or daddy for an 8 hour stretch each day really won't have an impact on him. I know this is what I should want for my child. But, as a mommy with a heart, it is hard to accept that I am not necessarily needed as much as I was.

I know it only gets worse with time too. I know that I am going to close my eyes one day and open them to a young man who is excited about the University acceptance letter he received in the mail and he'll be planning his life away from us. As a good mom and dad, we'll cheer him on. We'll hide the fact that the psychotic part of us wants to lock him up and keep him for ourselves. That's what good parents do after all.

Ha! Isn't it strange to think that to be a good parent you have to hide how much you really love and need your children? Somehow you are supposed to find the right balance between showing them enough love so that they know they are important in this world and not showing them too much because you run the risk of weighing them down with guilt.