Terrified of...Just About Everything

I remember when I was terrified of a miscarriage or finding out that Rowan was a tumour instead of a little baby growing inside of me. Those days of terror were nothing compared to these days of terror... I am afraid that worry will turn me into a raging lunatic. I must get up at least twice a night to make sure he is still breathing, I have these sick thoughts of falling on him as I go down the stairs each morning, I imagine all of the horrid accidents he could have while in the bath, on his change table, in the middle of our bed, beside us in bed, in the car, while left alone with his grandparents... I don't want to be a parent that squishes the life out of their child because of fear or turns her child into a leg-clenching-stranger-fearing-mommy's-boy but my lord, this world is a cruel place! And I would have to be an expert in hazard identification and evaluation wouldn't I!

To make things worse, today John went in to check on chub-chub (his newest nickname) while he was napping and what does he see... Rowan's face was playing hide-and-seek under his blanket. Poor John just about had an aneurysm and whipped the blanket off in a flash. He immediately came downstairs to re-enact the whole thing for me as I write this blog! You might ask why he was sleeping with a blanket in the first place? Well, I thought I had found a sneaky way of doing a "half swaddle" where his arms were restrained but his legs were free so that he wouldn't over heat (because you know overheating causes SIDS right?). Apparently I was an idiot and he won't be sleeping that way ever again.

This parenting thing is enough to make me mental.

My Favourite Site...

Ana spent a large amount of time surfing the net when she was off on maternity and was shocked to hear that there are only a few sites that I visit with any regularity. This happens to be my favourite and it is where I learn all about the very nifty baby things out there in this big wide world. Ana put me on to it the moment she found out we were expecting. Enjoy!

Ana is right, we didn't know what we were in for. In fact, we still don't know and we have managed to make it through 7 weeks of babycare and parenthood without too much going wrong or harry. I'd say that J and I have done pretty darn well considering the fact that neither of us had changed a diaper alone before our first night with our boy. While I knew that babies spit up, poop a lot, tinkle in your lap, howl from time-to-time, and sleep all day long and eat all night (all of which our Rowan does very well minus the spit up which is non-existent in our house), I wasn't prepared for how much I would love this little boy. And so yes, Ana is right--but it isn't the "bad" things that we couldn't have prepared ourselves for. Instead, it is the unbelievable love and joy that has me turned upside down and living in what I have heard referred to as a "fog". I had no idea that my parents loved me this much or in *this* way. I wish I had words to describe what parenthood feels like, but I don't. Maybe someday when I have my witts back and I am able to reflect a little longer than 5 minutes at a time I will be more eloquent and find the right things to say...or maybe not. Maybe *this* is supposed to be left undescribed so that others can experience the miracle of loving their child on their own and in their own way.

Although I can't describe how I feel, I can describe the things we have experienced so far. I know that I have lost a lot of what has happened already because memory works in funny ways and I am saddened to think that I will forget even more as time goes on. So, as an attempt to capture what I can before it slips away here is what our lives have been like since September 6th, 2008.

Let's see. How can we organize this... I know:

Hanging About the House:
Like most new parents we spend an enormous amount of time at home. I am pretty sure my lovely kid-unfriendly couch is going to have a large indent in it by the end of my 12 months off because I seem to sit a lot. I have found it quite difficult to do much of anything except stare at Rowan and pretend I know how to play with him. We sing, we tickle but mostly we just look at each other in wonder. John is much better at playing and I think that is why his boy smiled at him first. It happened in the bath in the early weeks and now happens more regularly. In fact, the smiles started to be a daily thing on Monday, October 27th. We have an amazing assortment of photos of the little guy from the time he was carried through the front doors. Here are a few of my favourites:
Rowan at 5 days old.

Visits:
When Rowan was 7 days old we took him to 2 birthday parties where he met his Great gramma- Sitou, many of his great aunts and uncles and second/third cousins. He managed quite well and so did we for that matter. He peed on his grampa's lap while at Sitou's birthday party which was comical but also embarrassing for his poor mom! His dad was quite proud though.

Rowan also took a trip to meet his Great Gramma on my side of the family as well. We have been back to see great-gramma on other occasions as well but I have to admit, taking the little man into the old age home gives me the hibby-jibbies. The thought of all of the germs in that place makes me feel, well--sick. I am not a paranoid freak about cleanliness and sanitization but after an elderly woman in a wheel chair stuck her hands in Rowan's mouth during our last visit I contemplated having him swallow a spoonful of rubbing alcohol. Okay--that's not true, but I worried about his health for a few days afterward. Why is it that a pregnant woman and a baby are public domain? Why do people think that they can put their hands all over you or your baby? It's the strangest phenomenon and I don't think I will ever truly understand it. I certainly don't have the urge to walk up to a complete stranger and poke my fingers in their tummy or in their baby's face! Sheesh...

We have had many visitors to the house since his arrival as well. My family has been back for Thanksgiving which we hosted, Rowan has met his Uncles Joey, Gihad, San, Chris and Dom and Aunts Suzanne, Sue, Caroline, Michelle and Lou. I expected the women to love Rowan but it was how the men reacted to Rowan that I will cherish most. I haven't had the opportunity to see any of John's friends with a little baby before and it was a real treat. He is loved, there is no doubt about that. I think one of the greatest pleasures we will have will be to watch Rowan grow up with all of the little ones either here, on their way or in the dreams of their wonderful parents to be.

Jen Petric, Gerry and Shirley, Geeta and Beatrice our neighbours, Saryu and Shelly, Aunt Mountaha and Uncle Michel, Aunt Nejat and Perla, Dora and Ezzio have also met our little boy. It is unanomous- he is a big hit (but then again, was there ever any doubt he would be?).


Great Gramma Richardson

Trips:
From the very beginning John and I have planned to travel a lot with Rowan. We wanted to get him used to being in the car seat and sitting still for prolonged periods of time because we anticipate that our lives will be filled with wonderful adventures outside of Ottawa. And so, we have packed him up and had him in Toronto twice in October. We went to Emily's second birthday where he visited the Toronto Zoo. He slept through the entire experience but his mother thoroughly enjoyed the hippopotomous and elephants. His dad loved the insects and reptile exhibits. I have to admit, I liked them too.

Rowan met his Uncle Chris and Emily for the first time. It was love at first sight for Emily. Apparently Rowan is one of her best friends already. Again, should we have expected anything less? Absolutely not. I suspect that, while they may live in different cities, our little munchkins will grow up knowing each other very well. Emily had a wonderful birthday and we were very happy to be part of it this year. Her mother is one talented cake-maker and I know John, Rowan and I are looking forward to eating many many more of them in the years to come.

Two weeks after our first trip we were back at Ana and Chris' for a conference. John had his first half day alone with Rowan and I had my first half day without him. I was supposed to be gone the entire day but by noon my breasts were about ready to explode and I missed his little face too much to stay away. We got to stay in Ana's bedroom (which I soaked with milk because of my day-away) because Chris was away. This meant that we got the pleasure of being nearby when Emily got up in the morning. She watched us as we changed Rowan's diaper and was facinated by the bare little bum. She pointed and said "Do you see?" to her mom several times. She didn't have the words to express what she was observing but even at 2, she was able to discern the difference in her bum compared to Rowan's. We found out this week while Ana was visiting us that Emily has decided that Rowan has a "noodle" on his bum. You have got to love little minds!

From Toronto we headed West to Cambridge to spend a few days with Margo, Brent and Addison. "Ronin" had his diaper changed many times by his cousin Gracy who insisted that I couldn't forget the cream. I am happy to announce that Addie finally likes me. I think that I made her nervous or something when I was pregnant because I couldn't get down to her level and play like everyone else could. She loves her Aunt Jenny now and her Aunt Jenny loves her to bits. My favourite part of our visit was watching Gracy run after the cats yelling "I'm gonna get-chou". She rubbed her hands and crunched down as she said this and honestly, I thought I would burst out in tears it was so sweet. I still get teary thinking about it. She is going to grow up too quickly. Distance is cruel because it has this uncanny ability to cause kids to change too drastically from one visit to the next.

We got to introduce Rowan to Aunt Nicole, Uncle Darren and Carys too. I think they have been the most excited about Rowan so far. Or, outwardly excited that is. They couldn't stop saying how cute he was. Nicole had him out of the car seat and was playing with him instantly. It was so much fun to see. Carys didn't quite know what to make of the whole situation but played well while we visted. She has grown so much since our last visit too. It won't be long before she is talking. At the time of the visit though her main focus was food. She was obsessed with eating what ever the grown ups were having. She got so frustrated when we were enjoying delicious cakes and didn't include her. Baby-Mum-Mums did the trick. It is incredible to think that Rowan will be her size in just a few months. Nicole and I talk about how the difference between them will not even be noticeable in a couple of years and yet, they are miles apart now developmentally.

Meagan also came to see Rowan while we were at Margo's. She brought him the cutest Robeez with monsters on the toes. We had dinner together which was a stressful event because I chose a very busy place and they put us in a booth which is impossible for breastfeeding. Poor Rowan almost had his back broken when I tried to stuff him under the table to get him to latch. Needless to say, that didn't last long. I ended up sitting in the isle where everyone was lining up for food with my breast feeding apron on and a screaming child at my boob. Ah...gotta love public feedings. It was worth it though because seeing Meagan was a ton of fun.

So...Rowan is already well travelled and, luckily for us, he travels quite well. He doesn't fuss in the car, tolerates new surroundings, can sleep through being put in his car seat at 5am to get on the road, eats well from the bottle, sleeps long distances and adjusts nicely to being home again. After our second trip to TO though we decided to stick around home a little more--apparently Rowan's parents are bigger homebodies than they realized!

Here are a few photos our first adventures. I wish we had taken more of everyone...


At the Toronto Zoo.

Milestones:
The milestones at 7 weeks of age are hard to recognize but so far Rowan has:

• regained his birth weight in under 2 weeks
• smiles regularly when we play with him
• kicks both of his legs
• can hold his head up with ease
• will hold his head up into a sitting position when we pull him up
• has slept over 5.5 hours in one stretch which means he technically sleeps through the night.
  
• giggles and wiggles a lot
• focuses on our faces and will follow us when we move
• has gone through approximately 500 diapers
• sleeps all alone in his crib (much to his daddy's dismay)
• takes naps in the afternoon
• drinks well from the bottle and breast
• likes tummy-time and his mobile
• loves his bath

How Ana Welcomed Him Home

taken from Ana's blog dated: October 15, 2008

Apparently September 2008 was a very busy month. So much so that I have barely any photos to fill a whole month’s blog!

I do recall that the HOMED group (the *entire* group of wives and husbands - and some children) were together for dinner in September. It was your typical evening of wine and lots of foods - stinky cheeses, sausages, breads. Mmmmm. My mouth waters just thinking about all of that.

I also do recall that sometime late in the evening (10pm?) I received a phone call from Ottawa. Jen wasn’t feeling particularly well and thought that I should know. Her due date wasn’t for another week or so but she was feeling really bad. She thought that she was coming down with the flu because she had an all-over malaise. And she was experiencing stomach cramps. Hmmmm. Cramps, you say? I asked her how often she was “cramping” and she replied, “Every five minutes or so.” She thought that she should check things out with Teleheatlh Ontario and I agreed.

A few hours later, Jen called back to say that Telehealth suggested that she go to the hospital and be checked out in person. She went, they measured, they sent her back home. Apparently cramping and being only a couple of centimeters dilated was not considered to be “in labour”.

The next morning, as I was getting up to retrieve the singing leprechaun from her crib and allowing Chris to get some very much needed sleep-in time after the great HOMED dinner, my phone rang. Jen’s cramps had progressed to the point where she just couldn’t sleep through them anymore. She had been up since four a.m. and now they were about five minutes apart. I told her to keep counting and I’d call her in a couple of hours. In the meantime, we all got up out of bed, got something to eat and planned how I’d get to Ottawa to be present for the little boy’s arrival.

All I can say is thank goodness for a little airline located on a small island. We were slightly opposed to said airline company expanding when we were living right across the road / water from it. But now, we love it! Yes, it is a little NIMBY.

I arrived in Ottawa and was kindly driven to the hospital by John’s sister and mother (who where naturally on pins and needles waiting for the impending arrival). After some deep breathing, lots of Tim Hortons, some leaking of fluids, an epidural, lots of Sodokus, a little bit of napping, nectarines and chocolate wafers, candy-coated chick peas (they don’t sound very good but they are in fact quite yummy), a change of shift for the nursing staff, about nine hours of waiting (my time), a set of stirups, a few BIG pushes, a vacuum and lots of other bodily fluids (I’ll spare you the details but if you’d like them, just ask. I have the photos to go along as well.), Rowan Kanj Bejjani was born.

It was absolutely incredible to be present at his birth and to witness Jen experience the one thing she longed for but never thought was possible. I know that birthing Emily catapulted me to another level of being. One that strengthened my bond with Chris, gave me a new sense of purpose, and allowed me to understand (at least began to understand) the fear/excitement/worry/insanity/joy that is being a parent. I am proud of Jen for surviving her pregnancy, facing labour with a very brave face and am excited that she can now share in the roller coaster that is parenthood.

Mr. Bean, just please be kind to your parents. They have no idea what they’re in for.

How Mommy Introduced Him into THE World

I understand the meaning of "labour". Labour is working hard and towards a goal, labour is something you do. *That* is not what child labour was. In fact, I think the word "labour" is misplaced in this context. "Possession" would be more appropriate. I had no control over what was happening to my body. Yes, breathing might help and trying to relax has its benefits--but let me tell you, giving birth happens to women and it happens BIG.

The pain is not describable. I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing like it and there is no way to understand it unless you've lived it. I thought I would cave in. A severe menstrual cramp my bum! It felt like I was going to be pulled inside out and split open at the same time. And the gore! I thought I knew what to expect because I saw what Ana went through but my possession was worse than hers in this area. From the moment my water was broken (around 11am we think) until this day (yes, we are 2.5 weeks postpartum) I was leaking fluids of the strangest colours. With every contraction it was as though I was peeing on the floor (I had to stand. Sitting was absolutely out of the question. So was bending over the bed and all of the other wonderful labour positions the prenatal classes tell you about). John stood by my side, next to the towel on the floor, holding my hand and rubbing my back.
Ana was there coaching me between photographs. I don't remember much about the 2 hours of intense contractions except that the last one almost pushed me over the edge. I remember crying out that I couldn't do it anymore and then *paff*....In came my knight-in-shining Armour- the Anesthesiologist.



The drugs are wonderful. I had 6 more hours or so of painless possession. I took naps, laughed and chatted with my two best friends in the world as we waited together. My possession nurse left us around 7:15pm. She had told us just before leaving that we had another 2 hours before something would have to be done about getting Rowan out. The dilation part was fast, I went from 3cm at arrival around 11am to 7 cm by about 2pm but for some reason our little guy didn't want to move down. We are pretty certain that the nurse just didn't want to get into the throws of delivery before he shift ended because the next nurse came in, introduced herself and said "Alright, let's get this baby out!" and within minutes she had me pushing.








Pushing was comical. I had one leg that was completely numb and no amount of screaming "Push like you're pooing. Push like you're constipated" helps. Eventually Ana and John could see his little head. They were both so excited and I wanted desperately to see him too that I bore down as best as I could, relying on the memory of muscles used in the bathroom. Apparently my memory wasn't great because he wasn't moving much. His heart rate started to get dangerously high and so in came Dr. Legault who calmly explained that he wanted to use the vacuum to get Rowan out. Prior to possession I was adamant that I didn't want the vacuum used because of the temporary effects it has on the skull, but the situation was urgent and he made it seem so common place that I trusted him to do it right. So, while the vacuum was being set up, Ana and John grabbed my legs and we tried to no avail to get that baby out. It took less than a minute to pull Rowan out once the suction was turned on though. John stood in awe, Ana was crying. Apparently he had rubbery cheeks and that is what John will remember most of the first few moments that he laid eyes on his baby boy. My memory of the first few minutes-- a big squirt of blood gushes all over the doctors chest as he pulls my boy out. Ah... yes, the tear. And then... the most beautiful sight I have ever seen--Rowan lying on my tummy and then Daddy staring at his baby.

Although it may seem that I remember a lot of detail about the possession, I don't. In fact, I can't conjure up the memory of the pain anymore. John is right, the amnesia that sets in immediately upon seeing your own child is exactly why women can keep having kids. I just made a mental note during the process to try and take note of certain things because I didn't want to forget absolutely everything of the most important day of my life. Everything that I recount now was caught because I consciously stored the details. And so while the gore and the pain are described here, it should be some relief to any of you about to have your own to know that possession is do-able and once that little baby is out, all of the hard parts are quickly forgotten.


So...I birthed Rowan into this world after close to 17 hours of recognizable *labour* and while trying to be aware of everything that was happening to my body. It was an exercise in relinquishing control and giving over to something completely animal which, in my case, was made more bearable by the support that John and Ana gave me. They were amazing and patient, and I hope they were (are) a little changed because of what they witnessed. I know that I was changed after I saw Emily come into the world and to this day, it was, besides my own possession, the most fantastic thing I have ever participated in.

How Daddy Introduced Him To His World

Hi all,

After a nail biting 9 months of intense waiting and excitement for his parents, Rowan Kanj Bejjani was born September the 6 at 8:25 pm thus eclipsing his aunt Hanan's birthday celebrations. Other than this slight importunity on his part there is nothing to be found wrong with him. He is a delightful boy and has had his parents wrapped around his tiniest finger since the moment he appeared, rubbery cheeks first ...

He and mother are doing very well and both soundly sleeping as I write this: she in her bed, and he in his bassinet by my side. Despite what I've said privately, I concede to my sister that to have a child, to witness their entry into this world is a singularly life elivating event that I would wish on everyone who has the desire to attempt it. There is nothnig more precious in this world that God could create than the life that you participate in making and the life that you promise to keep as safe as you can while you're still around. I would like to thank Jennifer's parents, not just for all of their help this past week, but for being there at Rowan's first moments, which they acheived by driving 8 long hours from Blind River and then sneeking (barging?) with my mother into the birth-center after hours and to the consternation of the staff.

I would also like to thank Jennifer for being both crazy enough to have a child with me and then strong enough to bear him and all the aches that come with him for 39 weeks. At 9 lbs 3 oz and 21.5 inches I'm sure he was not easy to carry about, and even at 3 months along Jennifer followed me up the Kelso Sand Dune in the Mojave desert on a blisteringly hot day. If that isn't love, then it must be dementia.

John

Pink Hot Air Balloon

Okay, so I don't look *that* bad after all...