The pain is not describable. I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing like it and there is no way to
understand it unless you've lived it. I thought I would cave in. A severe menstrual cramp my bum! It felt like I was going to be pulled inside out and split open at the same time. And the gore! I thought I knew what to expect because I saw what Ana went through but my possession was worse than hers in this area. From the moment my water was broken (around 11am we think) until this day (yes, we are 2.5 weeks postpartum) I was leaking fluids of the strangest colours. With every contraction it was as though I was peeing on the floor (I had to stand. Sitting was absolutely out of the question. So was bending over the bed and all of the other wonderful labour positions the prenatal classes tell you about). John stood by my side,
next to the towel on the floor, holding my hand and rubbing my back.Ana was there coaching me between photographs. I don't remember much about the 2 hours of intense contractions except that the last one almost pushed me over the edge. I remember crying out that I couldn't do it anymore and then *paff*....In came my knight-in-shining Armour- the Anesthesiologist.
The drugs are wonderful. I had 6 more hours or so of painless possession. I took naps, laughed
and chatted with my two best friends in the world as we waited together. My possession nurse left us around 7:15pm. She had told us just before leaving that we had another 2 hours before something would have to be done about getting Rowan out. The dilation part was fast, I went from 3cm at arrival around 11am to 7 cm by about 2pm but for some reason our little guy didn't want to move down. We are pretty certain that the nurse just didn't want to get into the throws of delivery before he shift ended because the next nurse came in, introduced herself and said "Alright, let's get this baby out!" and within minutes she had me pushing.
Pushing was comical. I had one leg that was completely numb and no amount of screaming "Push like you're pooing.
Push like you're constipated" helps. Eventually Ana and John could see his little head. They were both so excited and I wanted desperately to see him too that I bore down as best as I could, relying on the memory of muscles used in the bathroom. Apparently my memory wasn't great because he wasn't moving much. His heart rate started to get dangerously high and so in came Dr. Legault who calmly explained that he wanted to use the vacuum to get Rowan out. Prior to possession I was adamant that I didn't want the vacuum used because of the temporary effects it has on the skull, but the situation was urgent and he made it seem so common place that I trusted him to do it right. So, while the vacuum was being set up, Ana and John grabbed my legs and we tried to no avail to get that baby out. It took less than a minute to pull Rowan out once the suction was turned on though. John stood in awe, Ana was crying. Apparently he had rubbery cheeks and that is what John will remember most of the first few moments that he laid eyes on his baby boy. My memory of the first few minutes-- a big squirt of blood gushes all over the doctors chest as he pulls my boy out. Ah... yes, the tear. And then... the most beautiful sight I have ever seen--Rowan lying on my tummy and then Daddy staring at his baby.
Although it may seem that I remember a lot of detail about the possession, I don't. In fact, I can't conjure up the memory of the pain anymore. John is right, the amnesia that sets in immediately upon seeing your own child is exactly why women can keep having kids. I just made a mental note during the process to try and take note of certain things because I didn't want to forget absolutely everything of the most important day of my life. Everything that I recount now was caught because I consciously stored the details. And so while the gore and the pain are described here, it should be some relief to any of you about to have your own to know that possession is do-able and once that little baby is out, all of the hard parts are quickly forgotten.
So...I birthed Rowan into this world after close to 17 hours of recognizable *labour* and while trying to be aware of everything that was happening to my body. It was an exercise in relinquishing control and giving over to something completely animal which, in my case, was made more bearable by the support that John and Ana gave me. They were amazing and patient, and I hope they were (are) a little changed because of what they witnessed. I know that I was changed after I saw Emily come into the world and to this day, it was, besides my own possession, the most fantastic thing I have ever participated in.
No comments:
Post a Comment