Learning to Worry

We had our second level 2 ultrasound a little over a week ago to get the extra pictures that the technicians couldn't get the first time around. While we welcomed the idea of seeing Rowan again, we worried for the two weeks between visits because we knew there may be something wrong with his little heart. The second ultrasound confirmed the presence of fluid but this time we were told that it was considered to be on the "upper end of normal". Who knew that a little boy could worry his parents before he was even born? I mean, you always fear that something will go wrong but it isn't until you hear or see the worry on the doctor's face that you truly understand the meaning of agony. The idea that Rowan will be born with some kind of heart problem or developmental delays is nothing short of terrifying. We will be going back for a third visit at the beginning of June. I suspect we will be closely followed until he makes his appearance into the world which is fine because we would rather be prepared and extra cautious than uninformed. This little boy will bring us unbelievable joy (he has already in fact) but, as all parents learn, joy comes at a cost...children are a great source of worry and concern and I believe, that worry and concern doesn't go away no matter how big and strong and independent they become.

On the bright side, Rowan is growing like a weed and all of his body parts are "perfect". He moves an enormous amount and we can see his punching on the outside of my tummy. He is a hard bump and we can't make out his feet or fists yet, but I know the day is fast approaching. I am 170lbs now (evident in the photo to the left). I am certain that I am going to gain too much weight, but after the fright that we had, I simply don't care as long as he arrives safe and sound.

We had Emily, Ana and Chris here for the weekend. We celebrated Mother's day together. They brought Rowan a Baby Bonkie with skulls (of course) and we loved it. Rowan is going to be so snuggly all bundled up come the fall. We had a great time watching Emily with the dogs. Jackson and Bailey were completely used to M's little feet by the end of the visit. They flat out ignored her, which in my view, was fantastic. We worry that Bailey will have a hard time with Rowan, but based on what we saw this weekend, I'd say that is worry we can happily put behind us. Bum Bum is the cutest thing on the planet. She fell in love with the chandelier and her Uncle John. She definitely likes her Aunt Jenny too, but she would sing Uncle John's name which made me want to eat her up. She is such a sensitive little girl, she knows the meaning of saying "I am sorry" which was evident by her big tears when she was told to apologize to her mom for biting. I felt so bad for her, but was complete astonished at the same time because she is so much more than just an 18 month old bundle of fun...She is a little person.

I was sad to see Ana and the family go. It is such an infrequent occasion that we get to spend time with my family and friends that it hurts a little every time we say goodbye. But, we'll see them again this coming weekend in Chicago and then a lot over the summer as we all get ready for the big day...

p.s. this picture captures M's love for dogs perfectly.

Baby Rowan (Bean) Bejjani Shows Us the Goods!

This is how we were introduced to our baby boy Rowan today at 8:15 am...

Technician to J and J: "He's a boy. There it is, his penis. Not as obvious as other little boys', but there nonetheless".

J thinking to herself: " Who is she to imply that my son has a small ding-a-ling? Sheesh."

J thinking to himself: "Yes!! I don't need to go out and buy a shot gun."

When I asked John if he heard what the technician said about Rowan's private parts he had totally twisted what she had said around in favour of our son so to speak. He thought she implied he was bigger than normal! I imagine that we will both be guilty of hearing what we want to hear when it comes to our wonderful son, but isn't it comical that our first experience of parental over protectiveness has everything to do with the size of his genitals? My god, he will die when he grows up and hears this story. I will get great pleasure telling his partner all of this someday...

So, yes. We are going to be parents to a little boy. While I really did believe we were going to have a boy, it feels a lot different now that we know for sure that he is Rowan Kanj Bejjani. I am terrified because I have had so little experience with boys but I have to admit, the idea of seeing him run around getting into mischief is truly thrilling. I can already see us reading with daddy, catching frogs and turtles at grampa and gramma's, reeling in and tuning up the fish at 82, riding our mountain bikes, snowboarding, taking the dogs for a walk, hanging and talking loudly at the Bejjanis', collecting allies and learning the difference between minis and croaks, teaching daddy about the differences between tree and duck types... There just isn't a word in the dictionary to explain how elated I am about the prospect of seeing the world through his eyes and redoing all of the things I used to love doing as a child with him and John.

Rowan...

Friends Forever

Last week John picked me up in Toronto on my way back from the dreaded Fort Nelson (imagine a town without reliable cell coverage, email access and TIM HORTON's) and we stayed with Ana and Emily for a night. There is no way to describe the amount of joy it brings me to wake up in their house and see that little bum and smile first thing. Here we were, in her parents' bed at 7am and she is standing outside the bedroom door at 18 months just after using her potty and counting to 10 (on her own!!). Wasn't it just yesterday that I saw her little face being squished against the hospital bed as she was being delivered? She calls me Aunt Jen in that little voice and I want to die. The entire time we were together I couldn't help but marvel at the fact that in 2 years from now, we will all be standing in our pjs or undies some weekend in Ottawa starring at B3 as though he/she was some alien because it feels like it was "only yesterday" that I was sitting at this computer writing this very blog...

From Ana's we went to Margo's and there, another miracle in action. Addison running around the house, rolling her arms, incriminating herself as we sing "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar" with a huge grin. She can't call me Aunt Jen yet, but she certainly treated me like one of her trusty favourites when she sat down on my lap on Saturday morning to pet the dogs and to share her empty Tupperware container. We celebrated her 1-year birthday and again, I couldn't help but be amazed at what one year can bring.

Later in the day we visited Nicole, Darren and Baby Carys. Carys was only about 6 weeks old which gave us a really good idea of what to expect in September. The little family looked so darn cute, happy and relaxed. Nicole has been a great sounding board all through this pregnancy because there are things that I know she will just understand. I guess that is what happens when you have been friends since grade 5! We didn't take any pictures of our visit (duh!), but I thought I would post my favourite of the new mom and baby here for all to see...

On Sunday we stopped in for a quick bite with Gihad, Caroline and Eli before heading back to Ottawa. I was good and ready to get home with my little family but, the time with family and friends reminded me of how lucky John and I are to have bumped into each other, but also to have been included in each other's lives entirely through the acceptance of family and friends (which I am sure wasn't easy especially in the beginning because of my history). While I know that B3 will be loved by all the wonderful people in our lives today, my biggest wish for baby is that he/she will grow up having tons of fun and building new relationships that are just as strong as the ones that John and I have built over the years.

Kick, Kick, Kicking Away

I am in Fort Nelson BC this week. I left on Saturday night after becoming Clara's fairy godmother. It was a very nice baptism and I loved seeing my family although it was a little rushed on our part because of this trip. I didn't want to leave. It seems to be getting hard and hard to pack up and fly across the country for work now that I am so rooted in our life on KF drive...Before I left John and I started to clean up after the floor replacement and we rearranged our living room. It looks really nice, although more traditional than I wanted originally. The fancy retro couch I bought has been pulled apart and set up as two pieces instead of one long unit across the main wall. John prefers it this way and I have to admit, It quickly grew on me too. So much so that I can't wait to get back to it and sit there while he cooks me dinner and cleans the counters as he neurotically does every night. It is funny how it is the small little things that you miss most when you aren't home.

My loneliness this time has been compounded by the fact that B3 has decided to start his/her gymnastics career and John has missed the first few full blown kicks. Sometimes the force is so great that the punching can be felt on the outside of my body which I think is unusual at this point in pregnancy. Most of the time though I am suffering from internal tickling which is very distracting but welcomed nonetheless because it means B3 is alive and well. I had no idea that babies didn't sleep! I have a bad feeling that this child is going to keep us up a lot at night because he/she is showing signs of John's insomniac tendencies. Oh how this is going to be fun!

As promised I have posted a few pictures here of our trip to the Mohave/Joshua Tree National Park. I haven't grown much in the past few weeks. In fact, I am not sure that I have grown at all. This is a good thing given I had gained so much weight in the first trimester. I am happy that things have leveled off a little. In fact, I only gained 2lbs in month 4 according to Dr. Lal. OH! Dr. Lal...I forgot to mention that we heard the baby's heart on April 3rd. I think that in some ways that was more exciting than the first ultrasound. I couldn't believe how fast and hard that little thing could pump! I can't wait to go back and hear it again. In the mean time, we will be having another ultrasound on the 22nd and maybe this time, if things work out, we will leave knowing what to paint on the nursery walls.

Delinquent Mother-ALREADY!

I have let too much time pass between my last entry and this one. I guess that is what happens when pregnancy stops consuming your every thought (because you do "kind of" get used to it) and when life's craziness takes over. We have had a lot going on in the past month including the replacement of our hardwood floor, shipping the dogs north to gramma and grampa's so that we could go on vacation, going on vacation, and working our fingers to the bone trying to pay down more debt and save a little for the big event!

We even had our first ultrasound on March 3, 2008. And wouldn't you know it, B3 really is alive! John got the best seats in the house. I had to accept an awkward view from the bed but I still managed to make out those little frog legs, perfect feet and the hand that was waving at us. What an amazing experience. We didn't cry like everyone said we would. Instead we giggled a lot. According to the technician, B3 is expected to arrive around September 12th and she insisted that there was only one baby in this tummy of mine. I am still skeptical because, as I am told over and over again, I am very big for a 17 week pregnant woman (at the time, 12 week mommy-to-be).

We also met with Dr. Lal on the 3rd. She went through the whole delivery process and medical appointments we can look forward to in the coming months. I didn't quite absorb it all because I was completely overwhelmed. However, I don't expect that is a big deal because I see her every month until this summer when the appointments increase dramatically.

We have almost completed the baby registry. John and I get a kick out of going to the baby stores and looking at all of the stuff. I imagine we will have more to add to the list of wishes once we know what B3 will be. For now, we'll just sit and wait not so patiently.

In my next entry, I will post pictures of our first trip as a family-in-waiting. You'll be flabbergasted by my enormity.
For now, enjoy the first of many many baby pictures to come...

First Signs of Life

According to all of the pregnancy websites, most women won't show at 11 weeks. This photo was taken of me during that period of time and well, I guess I am not normal. We have been joking that I am either an entire month ahead of where I think I am at or there are twins in this body of mine but...you know what, maybe it isn't a laughing matter. One more week until we see B3 or maybe B3x2?

February Blast Off

February started off with a bang...John and I headed to Quebec City for our first anniversary. After a tearful goodbye to the dogs and a very nervous 9 hour drive in the driving snow we arrived safely and headed out for dinner. It was late and we were very lucky to find a place that was open and happy to accommodate us. We ate quickly and headed back to our room in lower Vieux Quebec at the Auberge St. Pierre. We had a bottle of champagne waiting for us (which is now in our fridge at home) but we opted for a bath instead. John decided to give me my "gift" while in the tub. After tricking me with a tube of toothpaste, I opened my eyes to the most beautiful diamonds a girl could ever dream of. While I love my ring, it was the thoughtfulness of the gift and what it represents that makes it as special as it is.

So...I now have a ring to go along with the baby that is growing inside of me. It screams to the world that I am "taken" and makes our relationship a tad more legit in the eyes of those who look upon us. It infuriates us both that a ring and a paper contract somehow means more to society than the commitment and life we share...but I have to admit, I am very partial to showing off the fact that John has chosen me, and I him.

On the baby front...I have gained a few pounds (let's pretend it is the diamonds shall we?). I don't think I look any bigger than I did a few weeks ago. I still don't feel pregnant either. What ever that means. I actually have very morbid thoughts sometimes involving a tumour that has taken over my body and convinced it that it is pregnant. Somehow the presence of a mass is more believable than the presence of another life. I don't mean the word tumour to imply that the baby is some kind of parasitic disease. I simply mean that I wouldn't be surprised to find out that I am full of cancer instead of full of baby. Sometimes I think that hypochondriac tendencies run in my family. I can't wait until the worrying turns into wonder. Just a few more weeks until we see the tumour (I mean BABY) for the first time...